Recently I was asked to pitch an essay about writing and money, and I decided, instead, to write about that here. I’m calling it “Garbage Person.” I first started to think I was a piece of shit after college: age 23, working at a newspaper, beginning on a forever-trajectory of trying to turn writing into cash, starting to have the first inklings that this may not be a financially-lucrative career path. But it felt right — like a good way to spend a life. Passionate, emotional. Occasionally I got to tell tales of redemption and hope, and it felt vital to help those stories get out into the world.
Also (because my first thoughts were just clouded with love), Congratulations on making this internal shift. I have found that my internal shifts change my life far more radically than any external events. My thoughts and prayers are with you on this new journey and may the Universe step in to assist. One of my favorite songs to orient to the world is "Love Is All I Got" by Feed Me & Crystal Fighters... and I see that in you, too... the love through which you orient towards the world. Sometimes it's not just lack of self-respect, but that love in our hearts that makes it so hard to say no. I had this realization going through my divorce... I always try to treat everyone as a human being... but the revelation I had was "including you (me), because you are ALSO a human being." Sometimes we treat ourselves like garbage because we're so busy loving and giving to everyone else. Self-love can sound like a buzzword (and I have had my own frustrations working on it), but I've come to realize it's not about pampering, or being selfish, or just making time for myself - it's about seeing myself as clearly as I would see someone else. Learning how to be my own best friend. Love you - so much - I value your work so highly... if you were paid the worth of your heart you would be a millionaire, and I don't say that in flattery or exaggeration or anything - just in truth.
I love this so much, Leah. Truly. And I have so much to say ... but goddamn would I rather say it in person than through a stupid website. I spent many years as a garbage person in a shit person's world and felt myself getting shittier and shittier myself, just in who I was kowtowing to, and I said fuck it. No regrets. I also find there are plenty of shit people masquerading as garbage people too, playing by the shit rules and scrabbling to claw their way over others to attain some level of shittiness that seems ludicrous to me, and I find myself continually maintaining the same outsider status as I did in the shit person world. But fuck it. I've reached a point where I don't give a fuck who comes at me. I'm ready. I'll probably die living in my car from some bullshit illness that is easily treatable for people who actually have health insurance and I don't really care. I've had a decent enough life and I've written some stuff I'm happy with. That's good enough for me.
Oh my god. This is so good and hits too close to home. Makes me step back and consider how I really view myself and my work (and why I maintain a career separate from writing because “writing doesn’t pay” and I don’t want to lose the joy of it in the hustle).
If one isn’t a Garbage Person or a shit person, what other options are there? Just human trying our best?
Leah, I used to blame my struggle trying to subsist on freelancing income on the plain fact that in Spokane I was in a backwater for creative, long-form nonfiction. For a brief flicker, I had Spokane Magazine. They would throw me a few hundred dollars every month for 800 words and days of investigating and interviewing it took to generate them. The Inlander didn't show up until I was well gone from the profession. I couldn't work at the local daily because my father had cold-cocked the business manager during a loading dock confrontation in the middle of a labor lock-out. Oops! Thanks Dad. I left the profession in 1983 to become a state employee-technocrat. I was a garbage person, but I stepped out of the waste stream. Forty years later, I still miss the romance of it. But I miss it in the comfort of a nice home with a secure retirement income.
A little P.S. - Have you ever read "The Moon and Six Pence," by W. Somerset Maugham? It is a skillful, heart-breaking story of the personal cost of the unyielding pursuit of one's passion, based on the life of artist Paul Gaugin. The lead character is Charles Strickland. I maintain that everyone who starts adulthood with a passion for writing at some point faces a Charles Strickland moment. Check it out some time. It's my favorite novel of all time. So relevant, even though it was written in 1919.
You’ve got this Leah! Your writing really makes a person think and makes us take on challenges we never thought we could! You’re one amazing person who has definitely found what you can do and do so with self respect! So many doors continue to open for you and you are and will continue to do amazing in the career you have chosen!
Also (because my first thoughts were just clouded with love), Congratulations on making this internal shift. I have found that my internal shifts change my life far more radically than any external events. My thoughts and prayers are with you on this new journey and may the Universe step in to assist. One of my favorite songs to orient to the world is "Love Is All I Got" by Feed Me & Crystal Fighters... and I see that in you, too... the love through which you orient towards the world. Sometimes it's not just lack of self-respect, but that love in our hearts that makes it so hard to say no. I had this realization going through my divorce... I always try to treat everyone as a human being... but the revelation I had was "including you (me), because you are ALSO a human being." Sometimes we treat ourselves like garbage because we're so busy loving and giving to everyone else. Self-love can sound like a buzzword (and I have had my own frustrations working on it), but I've come to realize it's not about pampering, or being selfish, or just making time for myself - it's about seeing myself as clearly as I would see someone else. Learning how to be my own best friend. Love you - so much - I value your work so highly... if you were paid the worth of your heart you would be a millionaire, and I don't say that in flattery or exaggeration or anything - just in truth.
I love this so much, Leah. Truly. And I have so much to say ... but goddamn would I rather say it in person than through a stupid website. I spent many years as a garbage person in a shit person's world and felt myself getting shittier and shittier myself, just in who I was kowtowing to, and I said fuck it. No regrets. I also find there are plenty of shit people masquerading as garbage people too, playing by the shit rules and scrabbling to claw their way over others to attain some level of shittiness that seems ludicrous to me, and I find myself continually maintaining the same outsider status as I did in the shit person world. But fuck it. I've reached a point where I don't give a fuck who comes at me. I'm ready. I'll probably die living in my car from some bullshit illness that is easily treatable for people who actually have health insurance and I don't really care. I've had a decent enough life and I've written some stuff I'm happy with. That's good enough for me.
Oh my god. This is so good and hits too close to home. Makes me step back and consider how I really view myself and my work (and why I maintain a career separate from writing because “writing doesn’t pay” and I don’t want to lose the joy of it in the hustle).
If one isn’t a Garbage Person or a shit person, what other options are there? Just human trying our best?
Leah, I used to blame my struggle trying to subsist on freelancing income on the plain fact that in Spokane I was in a backwater for creative, long-form nonfiction. For a brief flicker, I had Spokane Magazine. They would throw me a few hundred dollars every month for 800 words and days of investigating and interviewing it took to generate them. The Inlander didn't show up until I was well gone from the profession. I couldn't work at the local daily because my father had cold-cocked the business manager during a loading dock confrontation in the middle of a labor lock-out. Oops! Thanks Dad. I left the profession in 1983 to become a state employee-technocrat. I was a garbage person, but I stepped out of the waste stream. Forty years later, I still miss the romance of it. But I miss it in the comfort of a nice home with a secure retirement income.
Love you Leah. Just love.
A little P.S. - Have you ever read "The Moon and Six Pence," by W. Somerset Maugham? It is a skillful, heart-breaking story of the personal cost of the unyielding pursuit of one's passion, based on the life of artist Paul Gaugin. The lead character is Charles Strickland. I maintain that everyone who starts adulthood with a passion for writing at some point faces a Charles Strickland moment. Check it out some time. It's my favorite novel of all time. So relevant, even though it was written in 1919.
You’ve got this Leah! Your writing really makes a person think and makes us take on challenges we never thought we could! You’re one amazing person who has definitely found what you can do and do so with self respect! So many doors continue to open for you and you are and will continue to do amazing in the career you have chosen!